So...I have felt like I need to do some journaling to get some things off my chest. Journaling has always comforted me, as I have journals dating back to about age ten. Maybe, when I'm gone, people will find these journals and be comforted by the fact that we all have struggles, but basically life is good.
As I turned 40 this year, I really made it a goal of mine to do some serious soul searching on who I really am and what I truely believe. This has taken me down many winding paths...some good, some bad. I do know that as a woman with many diverse beliefs, that it is important to keep an open mind and an open heart. This is so difficult in life. My first "soul journey" was to find what my definition of "religion" was. I have always struggled with someone trying to tell me what to believe in, even when it went against everything I stood for. When I decided to marry my dear husband of 16 years, I thought it was the right thing to do to be married in the church that he belonged to. I knew how important this was to his family. I did it for them, not for me. I was young and impressionable. Thru the years I struggled with all the beliefs and hypocrasy. I would actually have anxiety upon entering the church because I felt myself being the hippocrit. It went against everything in my soul. For a long time I studied the faith, the bible, other faiths and never was comforted for my own beliefs. I was met with a patriarcal attitude in many institutions. I knew this wasn't for me. I was met with "Jesus is the ONLY way to get to heaven", I struggled with this...I had a Hindu roommate and had read many books by Deepak Chopra and other great philosophers. So....I made the decision to give up religion and concentrate on my faith. Started asking myself questions such as: what happens when we die? Do we have a soul? What is heaven? Where is heaven? Who is God? Why am I here? Is God a woman or a man? What are the true teachings of Jesus? Where are the books of the bible written by Jesus? Who was Jesus? Are there people that can talk to the dead? Why are people looked down upon for their own beliefs and "rituals"? What are some of the beliefs of ancient civilizations? Why do I hold such anger for religious institutions? Needless to say, my mind goes a mile a minute. I guess the first two questions I will address is: What happens when we die? and what about, What happens when we live?
